When Anxious Attachment Becomes Control: A Deeper Look at the Hidden Dynamics

Written by Stephanie Underwood, RSW

In the world of attachment theory, Anxious and Avoidant dynamics are often oversimplified. Anxiously attached individuals are portrayed as loving, attentive, and emotionally available - while Avoidants are frequently labeled as cold, emotionally distant, and selfish. But in practice, especially in clinical work, the picture is far more complex.

I recently had a session that offered a profound insight: anxiously attached partners don’t just seek reassurance in the face of abandonment - they often seek emotional regulation through their partner’s behaviors in all areas of life. And this can lead to a subtle, but powerful, dynamic of control.

Let me explain.

My client, let’s call her Sophie, who has an Anxious Attachment style, has been struggling with her Avoidant partner’s low motivation to engage in outside activities. The partner, who stays home and manages the household while my client works full-time, prefers quiet routines, hobbies, and solitude. While the two had agreed on this division of roles, my client has been feeling increasingly frustrated. One of the challenges that she was facing was having to tell her parents that her partner didn’t have a job yet. She finds herself wishing her partner had a job, enjoyed going for walks, or shared her interest in more outward-facing activities such as going for hikes, or just generally spending time together.

At first glance, this sounds like a common relationship complaint: a mismatch in energy or interests. But underneath, something deeper was unfolding.

The drive to “fix” the partner wasn’t really about the partner - it was about managing my client’s own emotional discomfort.

If the partner got a job, then Sophie wouldn’t feel embarrassed in front of her parents. If the partner became more active, then my client could feel more secure in the relationship. In other words, the desire for change wasn’t rooted in shared goals or growth - it was rooted in emotional outsourcing.

• This is a pattern I’ve noticed in many of my clients with Anxious Attachment:

• They often have rigid expectations in the home - cleanliness, structure, order.

• They thrive on routine and predictability, which gives them a sense of control over internal chaos.

• They may frame their expectations as “reasonable,” but any deviation from that structure by the Avoidant partner can trigger intense emotional Dysregulation.

Instead of turning inward, they attempt to manage that discomfort by changing their partner - “If you would just be more motivated, I could finally relax.”

And yet, what’s most striking is how often Anxious partners perceive themselves as the selfless one - the one who’s trying, the one who’s invested, the one who’s just asking for basic things. Meanwhile, the Avoidant is seen as the sole problem in the relationship.

Anxious Attachment Control

The Anxious partner’s need for control, which is often disguised as caretaking or concern, can be just as invalidating as the Avoidant partner’s withdrawal.

Anxious partners often have difficulty sitting with emotional ambiguity. So, they create external order to soothe internal anxiety. They want to clean the space, manage the schedule, improve the partner, fix the dynamic - not necessarily to control the other person, but to regulate themselves. But when that regulation depends on another person changing, it stops being relational and becomes controlling.

On the other side, the Avoidant partner - already struggling with feelings of inadequacy or perfectionism - feels unseen and pressured. The more the Anxious partner pushes, the more the Avoidant retreats. The more they retreat, the more the Anxious partner escalates. And so the cycle continues.

This isn’t about blame; it’s about awareness.

Anxious Attachment, just like Avoidant Attachment, has shadow sides. The work for the Anxious partner is not just to ask, “Why won’t they show up for me?” but also, “Am I seeing them for who they are, or who I need them to be to feel okay about myself?”

True healing happens when both partners begin to understand how their nervous systems are trying to protect them, and how those protections can become prisons. For the Anxious partner, it means learning to sit with emotional discomfort without needing to change the outside world. It means building the capacity to self-regulate instead of controlling, fixing, or over-functioning.

Because love isn’t about molding someone into who makes you feel safe, it’s about building safety in yourself, so you can truly see and accept the other.