Ghosting Differences Between Avoidant and Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Styles in Dating

Written by Stephanie Underwood, RSW

Ghosting and the Avoidant Attachment

Being ghosted is never a pleasant experience. As human beings, we’re wired for connection—not disconnection. When we’re ghosted, it doesn’t just trigger feelings of abandonment; it can also activate deep-rooted core beliefs like ‘I’m not good enough,’ ‘I’m unlovable,’ or ‘I’m unworthy.’ The more core beliefs (schemas) that are activated - the more emotional pain we experience.

The reality is that ghosting can create new attachment wounds or intensify ones that were already there. And the hard truth? Healing those wounds, even when they stem from something as seemingly simple as being ghosted, is often a long and challenging journey.

We know that those who ghost typically have unhealed attachment wounds, and are typically linked to the Avoidant or Fearful Avoidant (also known as Disorganized) attachment styles. While both types may pull away when things start to feel emotionally intimate, how they do it, and what it means, is very different.

Avoidant Attachment: The Slow Fade

People with an Avoidant attachment style tend to withdraw gradually. In the beginning stages of dating, they may come across as confident, independent, go-getters with a good career - but as emotional intimacy builds, they start to feel overwhelmed by the perceived “demands” of closeness. Vulnerability triggers their internal alarm system, one that equates closeness with loss of independence, pressure, or enmeshment.

So they pull away - but subtly.

They start texting less, making fewer plans, or becoming less emotionally available. You feel it. The connection that once felt promising begins to fade like a slow dimming light. Their distancing isn’t necessarily dramatic, it’s calculated, quiet, and often leaves the other person wondering what went wrong. You can tell when the Avoidant is beginning to pull away because of the slow fade - it’s not an overnight switch. They don’t necessarily experience mood disturbances - their mood doesn’t switch on a dime. And their fading presence is not as disorienting and jarring as it can be with the Fearful-Avoidant.

This kind of emotional withdrawal isn’t about sudden conflict. It’s about discomfort with closeness. They want connection, but not if it threatens their sense of autonomy. Rather than confront the issue directly, they retreat.

Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized Attachment): The Emotional Whiplash

Fearful-Avoidants, on the other hand, are driven by a push-pull dynamic. They crave emotional closeness deeply but are equally terrified of it. This inner conflict creates a rollercoaster of hot-and-cold behavior.

One day, they might be all in, texting often, expressing affection, initiating closeness. The next? Silence. Or distance. Or even ghosting. And unlike the Avoidant’s slow fade, this kind of disappearance often feels sudden and disorienting. It can happen overnight.

Why? Because Fearful Avoidants are often operating from a place of emotional survival. Their attachment system is chaotic. When they begin to feel close to someone, it can trigger unresolved trauma, abandonment fears, and deep mistrust. That’s when they may abruptly shut down, ghost, or act out.

They may also engage in testing behaviors before disappearing, picking fights, becoming critical, or creating emotional distance to see if the other person will chase or abandon them. These patterns stem from a deep fear of rejection and a lack of safety in closeness. It’s not manipulation, it’s protection, however for the person on the receiving end it can feel like manipulative behavior.

A Key Difference: Predictability vs. Chaos

The core difference lies in how each style manages emotional threat.

• Avoidants cope by staying in control. Their withdrawal is self-protective, but predictable. It’s a defense strategy designed to avoid feeling engulfed or overly dependent.

• Fearful Avoidants cope through chaos. Their behavior can feel unpredictable, inconsistent, and emotionally intense because they’re constantly battling two opposing needs: the desire for intimacy and the fear of it.

What This Means for You

If you’re dating someone with either of these styles, the withdrawal isn’t necessarily about you. It’s a reflection of their internal attachment wounds. And a reflection of the lack of inner healing they have done. Even though their withdrawal isn’t about you, that doesn’t mean you should tolerate emotional instability or inconsistency indefinitely.

Healthy relationships require mutual effort, secure communication, and emotional responsibility. Understanding someone’s attachment style can help you make sense of confusing behavior, but it’s not an excuse for being treated poorly. The truth is that if they engage in these types of behaviors - they haven’t done the work and they aren’t taking accountability, which are two things that are required in a relationship for it to work out in the long run.

Final Thoughts

The dating phase can feel especially confusing when attachment wounds are at play. The Avoidant will leave you guessing with a slow disappearance. The Fearful Avoidant will leave you spinning with hot-and-cold behavior. Both can be challenging, especially for those with an Anxious attachment style who tend to internalize these shifts as personal failures.

Recognizing these differences is the first step in breaking the cycle, and choosing partners who are capable of showing up consistently and securely.

Make sure to check out my latest blog post Deactivating Strategies of the Avoidant Attachment: A Complete List

Stephanie Underwood

Registered Social Worker