When to Leave an Unhealthy Relationship: 3 Key Factors

Written by Stephanie Underwood, RSW

When to Leave an Unhealthy Relationship

Have you ever had a close relationship with a partner, a close friend, or a family member where you knew the relationship wasn’t necessarily healthy and might be harming your mental health but you hesitated to walk away? Maybe you found yourself wondering, “Is this behaviour bad enough to cut them out of my life?” If so, you’re definitely not alone. These decisions are never easy, especially when emotions and history are involved.

The truth is, there isn’t a universal checklist for when to leave a relationship. What feels tolerable for one person might be absolutely draining for another. But there are three criteria that can help you navigate these difficult choices and give you clarity on whether it’s time to step back or let go:

1. A Person’s Ability to Take Accountability

Accountability is the foundation of any healthy relationship. When someone hurts you, intentionally or unintentionally, can they acknowledge it? Or do they minimize, deny, or deflect blame?

A person who consistently avoids accountability creates a cycle where you end up carrying the emotional weight of their actions. Without accountability, there’s no repair, no growth, and no safety for vulnerability. Relationships without this cornerstone often leave you feeling unseen, invalidated, or even gaslit.

2. A Person’s Self-Awareness and Ability to Self-Reflect

Self-awareness is the mirror through which we see our own patterns. Someone who can self-reflect recognizes when they’ve crossed a line or contributed to tension. This doesn’t mean they’re perfect, but it does mean they can step outside themselves and consider your perspective.

When self-awareness is missing, conflict becomes a loop you bring up an issue, they can’t see it, and nothing changes. Over time, this erodes trust and connection because you feel like you’re speaking to a wall rather than a partner in the relationship.

3. A Person’s Desire for Growth

We all make mistakes. What matters most is whether the other person wants to grow from them. A desire for growth shows up in their willingness to apologize, learn, and try to do better. This doesn’t require overnight transformation, but it does require genuine effort.

If someone repeatedly hurts you and shows no interest in change, the relationship will remain stuck in a damaging cycle. Growth requires humility and courage, and if they’re not willing to take those steps, it’s a sign the relationship may no longer serve your well-being.

Growth doesn’t necessarily mean someone has to be in therapy. It means they have a genuine desire to learn from their mistakes and become a better person for their own sake. It also means that when you allow yourself to be vulnerable and explain how their behavior hurt you, they make a conscious effort to prevent it from happening again. Will they be perfect? No. They’ll likely make mistakes again because that’s part of being human. The difference is that you’ll notice steady improvement over time, and it will be clear that they genuinely feel remorseful about repeating behavior that caused you pain.

Relationships Are a Two-Way Street

Human beings are wired for connection - not disconnection. When we get to the point of asking ourselves whether we need to put distance between ourselves and someone else, it’s usually because there have been multiple breaches of trust, moments where we were hurt repeatedly despite our efforts to set boundaries.

When someone engages in behavior that harms us, we have a responsibility to communicate our hurt clearly and maturely. This doesn’t mean yelling, belittling, or shaming them. It means being vulnerable, using “I” statements, and directly expressing that their actions hurt us. Assuming the other person should just know often accelerates the breakdown of the relationship, because people see themselves and the world through different lenses.

Of course, extreme behaviour like physical violence or abuse is an exception. No one should ever need to tell another person that physically harming them is unacceptable. The point is that ending a relationship is never simple, and it shouldn’t be glamorized as a quick fix. Before making that decision, it’s important to take inventory of your own actions. Have you clearly communicated your hurt and given the other person a chance to repair? Owning your part doesn’t excuse their behaviour but it ensures that if you choose to walk away, you do so with clarity, self-respect, and peace of mind.

Final Thoughts

Walking away from a relationship that has been part of your life is never easy. But by reflecting on these three factors; accountability, self-awareness, and a genuine desire for growth, you can gain clarity on whether the relationship has a foundation for repair or if it’s time to protect your mental health and move on.

Remember: you deserve relationships where your emotional safety is prioritized, your boundaries are respected, and your growth is supported.