Emotionally Available Parenting: Why it Matters

Written by Stephanie Underwood, RSW

Understanding Emotionally Available Parenting

When it comes to raising children, being an emotionally available parent is crucial. Emotionally available parenting means engaging deeply in your child's life. It's about creating a safe and nurturing environment where they can grow and develop. The term signifies the significance of being responsive to your child's emotional needs. This creates a positive atmosphere that fosters healthy development. It means having a genuine connection with your child. Getting to know them, asking questions about their interests, hobbies, their fears, hopes, and dreams.

The main objective is the same for all: to provide children with the emotional security they need. This support helps them navigate life's challenges effectively because they learn that despite the challenges - there are people out there who are going to be by their side and provide them with support. This is a true secure attachment is.

What It Means to Be Emotionally Available

An emotionally available parent responds to their child's needs, both physical and emotional. They offer comfort, support, and validation. Setting appropriate boundaries is also important. These boundaries help guide children through tough emotions and situations. It also teaches the child about boundaries. Because children learn how to set boundaries by watching how their parents set boundaries.

However, being emotionally available isn’t as simple as it sounds. Many parents may think they are emotionally present because they pay attention to their child. But true emotional availability goes beyond just listening and knowing where your child is.

Consider the following example:

Eight-year-old Eric comes home from school and quietly places his backpack down. He walks into the living room and sees his mother on the couch. She is half-watching the news and scrolling through her phone. She glances up briefly.

“Hi, honey. How was school? You look like you had a long day,” she says.

Eric gives her a hug before settling in beside her.

“Ms. Lambert gave us too much homework again,” he replies. “And Toby picked on me all afternoon because I accidentally got gum stuck on my shoe. He was really mean. The teacher had to tell him to stop bothering me.”

“That’s nice, honey,” his mother replies, still focused on her phone. “Dad’s bringing something home for dinner,” she adds, barely glancing up.

A moment later, her attention snaps to Eric. “Wait—gum? Why did you get gum on your shoes?” She looks down and sees the sticky mess. “Eric, we just bought these last week!” she sighs, clearly frustrated. “Take them off—I’m going to have to scrub that out. You’d better hope it comes off…”

Analysis: What Went Wrong and Why It Matters

At first glance, Eric’s mother appears present. She greets him and asks about his day. However, digging deeper reveals that she is emotionally unavailable. Emotional availability isn’t just about being physically present or asking simple questions. It’s about understanding a child’s emotional world, responding with warmth and validation.

In this instance, Eric seeks emotional connection. He shares a challenging experience and needs support and reassurance. Yet, his mother brushes aside his feelings and shifts focus to dinner plans. Her phone acts as a barrier to true connection.

When she finally reacts, it’s to address the gum on his shoe, moving attention away from Eric’s feelings to his actions. Her tone becomes corrective and shaming rather than supportive. This sends a harmful message, that mistakes are frustrating, and emotions are inconvenient.

The Long-Term Impact of Emotional Unavailability

Children learn to identify their emotions through co-regulation. This happens when a caregiver helps them express and understand their feelings. If this support is lacking, children may develop beliefs like:

• “My feelings don’t matter.”

• “It’s better not to discuss what bothers me.”

• “Love and attention depend on being ‘good.’”

  
  

Over time, these ideas can lead to emotional suppression and low self-esteem. Children with emotionally unavailable parents often struggle to express their needs as adults. If their needs were dismissed in childhood, they find it hard to seek support.

Many emotionally unavailable parents don’t realize their actions. They think providing the essential, food, shelter, and care, is sufficient. However, emotional presence is just as crucial for healthy development. True emotional availability involves slowing down, listening, and making space for a child’s emotions.

Being emotionally available means being present with your child and tuning into their needs. This creates a sense of being seen and understood, fostering healthy coping mechanisms for emotional challenges.

Creating a Nurturing Environment

Emotional availability isn’t just about responding to needs. It also involves actively creating a nurturing environment. This can include:

• Spending quality time together

• Playing and engaging in fun activities

• Encouraging open dialogue about feelings

  
  

However, being an emotionally available parent is often challenging. Parenting can be exhausting, and balancing work and home responsibilities can drain your energy. Finding the time to engage emotionally can feel daunting.

Being an emotionally available parent is a journey. It takes time and effort to build a nurturing environment. Remember, you don’t have to be perfect. It’s about being open to learning and growing throughout your parenting experience.

Building Healthy Parent-Child Relationships

Healthy relationships are built on trust and emotional understanding. An emotionally available parent fosters strong connections with their child. This can significantly impact the child’s ability to form relationships in the future.

Children who feel supported and validated are more likely to become confident adults. They develop resilience, allowing them to face life’s challenges with dignity and strength. Investing time to connect meaningfully with your child not only aids their development. It creates lasting memories and strengthens your bond.

Conclusion

Emotionally available parenting is pivotal for children's healthy development. It assists children in feeling seen, heard, and understood. Providing emotional support allows them to navigate life's complexities with ease. By being present for your child, you help nurture the confidence and resilience necessary for a successful future.

To create a future where your child can thrive, you may explore resources that guide you through emotionally available parenting. Support your child's journey by focusing on creating a safe space where they can express themselves freely.

By doing so, you contribute to their journey into becoming healthy, happy, and securely attached adults.