Debunking Myths on the Avoidant Attachment Style

Written by Stephanie Underwood, RSW

KEY POINTS

• This post explore four common myths about the Avoidant Attachment style. 

• Attachment styles are not fixed and can be changed over time. 

• There are no “good” or “bad” attachment styles.

• The importance of seeking professional support to gain the insight and tools to understand and work on your attachment style.

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Navigating the World of Dating and Relationships with Attachment Styles

Dating in the modern world is anything but easy. However, understanding attachment styles can provide us with the necessary compass, offering both direction and clarity. This deeper insight allows us to better understand our own behaviour in relationships and to gain a clearer perspective on our partners' reactions and behaviours, which can provide us with some reassurance.

In this blog post, we'll explore and debunk some of the popular myths that circulate about the avoidant attachment style. There are several misconceptions about this attachment style that can skew our understanding and expectations.

Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style

The avoidant attachment style is among the more complex and often misunderstood of all attachment types. It frequently leads to confusion, misinterpretations, and, unfortunately, even stigmatization due to its distinctive characteristics. However, as I often emphasize, there are no inherently "good" or "bad" attachment styles. Each style is a coping strategy in response to the perceived fear of abandonment or rejection. While those with an anxious attachment style may seek closeness to their partner when feeling vulnerable, individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to withdraw in similar situations.

Characteristics of the Avoidant Attachment Style

The avoidant attachment style is characterized by a strong desire for independence and self-sufficiency, often at the expense of close relationships. Individuals with this attachment style typically maintain emotional distance from their partners and are uncomfortable with vulnerability. In relationships, they may appear aloof or detached and often prioritize personal space and independence. Their behaviour can manifest as reluctance to share feelings, avoidance of deep emotional connections, and a tendency to withdraw when feeling pressured or overwhelmed. Understanding these traits is crucial for recognizing how the avoidant attachment style influences interactions and dynamics within relationships.

Debunking Avoidant Attachment Myths

Myth #1: Avoidant’s are Narcissists

While avoidant individuals and narcissists may seem similar on the surface (they can both appear emotionally distant or “cold”), they are fundamentally quite different.

Avoidant individuals often struggle with intimacy - not because they don’t care, but because closeness feels risky. They fear becoming dependent on someone or being rejected, but that doesn’t mean they lack empathy. If anything, most Avoidants would tell you they feel too much. Their avoidance isn’t coldness - it’s protection. It’s a coping mechanism designed to keep them safe from emotional pain. When something feels threatening, especially on an emotional level, their nervous system does what it’s learned to do: it avoids.

Narcissism, on the other hand, is a completely different story. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) isn’t a coping strategy - it’s an entire personality structure. It’s defined by traits like a lack of empathy, entitlement, and an excessive need for admiration. While an avoidant person might pull away because they’re scared of depending on someone, a narcissist distances themselves to preserve their inflated self-image. The difference is important: avoidance is a defense, narcissism is an identity. Someone with NPD doesn’t “use” these traits in response to a threat; they live through them. It’s not situational; it’s who they are.

Understanding these differences helps us recognize that while an avoidant person might need support in navigating closeness and intimacy, labeling them as narcissists is both inaccurate and unhelpful. By dispelling such myths, we can approach these individuals with more understanding and empathy, fostering healthier interactions and relationships.

Myth #2: Avoidant Attachments Don't Want or Need Relationships

A second misconception is that avoidant individuals don't want or need close relationships. This is false Like anyone else, avoidant individuals desire connection and intimacy, but their fear of getting hurt can make them react defensively to these needs. They might push others away or keep them at arm's length, not because they don't want relationships but because they're trying to protect themselves from potential emotional pain. This is also all that they know. They grew up in homes where they had to take care of themselves emotionally. They’re used to doing things on their own - and so when they keep someone at arms length it’s often because it’s all that they know.

Myth #3: Avoidant Individuals Don't Have Feelings

Another myth is that avoidant individuals are cold, unfeeling, or emotionally void. In reality, they have just as many emotions as anyone else. The difference lies in how they handle these emotions. They might suppress or dismiss their feelings as a defensive strategy, creating the impression that they're emotionally detached. However, this doesn't mean they don't feel emotions, it simply means they might struggle to express or acknowledge them, often due to fear of vulnerability.

Myth #4: Avoidant Attachments Are Unaffected by Breakups

A prevalent misconception is that individuals with an avoidant attachment style are unaffected by breakups and can easily move on from relationships. This belief stems from their typical behavior of distancing themselves and minimizing emotional expressions, which can give the impression that they are not emotionally invested. However, avoidant individuals do experience pain and sadness following a breakup, much like anyone else. Their coping mechanism usually involves suppressing these feelings rather than confronting or sharing them. This can sometimes delay their emotional recovery, as they might not process their loss in a direct or healthy way. Understanding this can help partners recognize the complexities of emotional responses in avoidant individuals and foster more compassionate interactions.

Conclusion: The Path to Secure Attachment

Attachment styles are not fixed traits; they are adaptable and can evolve. With the right knowledge, self-awareness, and tools, anyone can shift from an insecure to a more secure attachment style. If you or your partner struggles with avoidant attachment, consider seeking guidance from a mental health professional. With patience, understanding, and dedicated effort, navigating these challenges and fostering a healthy, balanced relationship is entirely achievable.