What You Need to Know Before You Start Therapy

Written by: Stephanie Underwood RSW

What You Need to Know Before You Start Therapy

There are certain things about doing “the work” that simply isn’t talked about much. Social media makes healing sound like a vibe, but there’s a lot more to going to therapy and working on ourselves.

Today, I’ve decided that I would share a very honest take about the therapy journey and process. I’m going to share with you what many people don’t talk about when it comes to doing this kind of work. I’m going to spill some insights and bust some myths about therapy.

Healing is a Long-Term Engagement

Healing is a life-long commitment, and definitely not a week long treatment plan. Healing any type of trauma is like getting some form of surgery. When we undergo surgery, we can be nervous at first. But once the procedure is done, we feel relief. However, the truth is that the surgery leaves a small scar behind. The same goes for healing our internal wounds. Yes, healing alleviates the intensity of our triggers, but the truth is that our wounds are often a part of how our brain has become wired. Often for years, or even decades. Healing will reduce the intensity of triggers but it won’t completely remove the entire wound as if it has never existed.

Healing Changes Your Perception

Healing doesn’t only reduce symptoms, it changes how you see relationships, yourself, and reality.

Many think that “healing” means becoming happier, calmer, more positive, more “secure.” Yes, that can happen. But it’s not the first thing that happens.

What healing actually does first is change your perception. It alters the lens through which you see yourself, other people, and relationships. And that shift can feel unsettling, disorienting, and confusing.

The first part of the healing process is the self-awareness part. Self-awareness can sometimes feel like both a blessing and a curse. Why? Here’s the thing, once you begin to gain insight and awareness into yourself - there’s no going back. Once you see the machinery, you can’t unsee it. Once you understand schemas, attachment, and projection, you don’t get to go back to magical thinking without lying to yourself. And that can be a difficult pill for some to swallow if we’re being honest. There’s an adjustment period that comes with this phase which can also include feelings of sadness, anger, or grief.

Once you’ve navigated through the first part and stabilized, then comes the relationship reviews. And this isn’t something that the therapist works on with you - this is internal. The more insight and knowledge you gain about yourself, the more you begin to have a much clearer understanding of your relationships. You begin to see others differently. And I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that there’s a high probability that your relationships will change.

As a mental health professional, when new clients come to me for a consultation, I feel a moral obligation to let them know the truth about therapy. And the truth is that once you begin therapy, you’ll slowly learn more and more about yourself throughout the process.

There are things that are going to come up - things that you’ll learn for the first time that is going to make you uncomfortable. And the truth is that, there will inevitably be a time when your perception of yourself and others will begin to change.

And there’s a high probability that you will start to see the people around you for who they actually are. There are some people in your life that you’ll choose to keep in your life. But there are also people in your life that you won’t be able to keep - because you’ll start to see that your values simply don’t align. Not because you’ll have necessarily gained new values. But because you’l realize that they were never in alignment with theirs to begin with.

When You Don’t Understand What’s Happening, Your Nervous System Creates Chaos: The Familiarity Trap

Before healing, many people live inside patterns they can feel but can’t explain. Relationships that follow the same path. Emotional reactions that feel disproportionate. A constant sense of “What am I doing wrong?” A deep belief that if things keep falling apart, it must say something about you.

In that state, the nervous system is always guessing. And when the brain can’t predict outcomes, it fills the gap with anxiety, self-blame, hyper vigilance, or fantasy.

Fantasy Becomes Regulation

Soulmates. Twin flames. Prince Charming. It’s not because people are naïve, but because meaning feels safer than uncertainty. Healing doesn’t remove pain first, It removes the unknown.

Healing Is Learning the Pattern, Not Becoming Immune to Pain

When you start understanding attachment dynamics, early maladaptive schemas, and nervous system protection strategies, something subtle but profound happens.

You stop personalizing everything and you begin to see your behaviours l, as well as the behaviours of others. You start to notice deactivation. or Abandonment fears. But this is your schema talking, not reality.

And suddenly, the same events don’t hit the same way. Not because they don’t hurt, but because they make sense. Your brain no longer needs to flood you with anxiety to keep you alert, because it knows what it’s looking at. Predictability replaces chaos. Comprehension replaces self-attack.

When you stop confusing intensity with intimacy and anxiety with love, relationships lose their cinematic quality. There’s less emotional whiplash. Less obsession. Less fantasy. And for people who grew up in emotionally inconsistent environments, that calm can initially feel… underwhelming. But what replaces it is something far more valuable.

You stop hating yourself for other people’s limitations. You stop waiting for someone to save you from your childhood wounds. You stop reenacting the same relational loops while calling it “chemistry.” You gain internal reassurance. And most importantly, you stop believing that your worth is determined by whether someone stays.

Why This Kind of Healing Isn’t for Everyone

This work changes how you see the world, but there’s no undo button. Once you understand your patterns, you can’t go back to magical thinking without betraying yourself. Some people aren’t ready for that loss yet. Some people still need the fantasy to stay regulated. And that doesn’t make anybody weak - if anything it makes them human.

But ethical healing requires honesty. This work doesn’t just reduce symptoms. It restructures meaning. It may cost you illusions. It may change how you date, love, attach, and choose. It may make your life feel less romantic, at least for a while. But the alternative isn’t magic either, It’s repetition.

Living your entire life blaming yourself for other people’s moods. Waiting for someone to finally choose you. Dying never knowing that your schemas were lying to you.

That is the real tragedy.

Healing may feel bland at times. But it is grounded. Predictable. Trustworthy. And for the first time, your nervous system doesn’t need to scream to be heard.

It’s safety, and stability.

And stability is where real life begins.