Why Men Are Turning to the Manosphere: The Psychology Behind Shame, Identity, and Modern Masculinity
- Stephanie Underwood, RSW
- 6 days ago
- 5 min read
Written by Stephanie Underwood, RSW
Why are more men drawn to the manosphere? This article explores the psychological roots behind the movement, including shame, identity struggles, attachment patterns, and modern dating dynamics - without excusing harmful beliefs.
Why Men Are Turning to the Manosphere (And What We’re Getting Wrong About It)
Let’s get one thing clear right from the start: this is not a defense of the manosphere. The misogyny, entitlement, and rigid beliefs about women are real. They’re harmful. And they shouldn’t be minimized or reframed into something more palatable.
But if we actually want to understand why this ideology is growing - and more importantly, how to address it - we need to look beyond the surface.
Because hatred doesn’t emerge out of nowhere.
This Isn’t Just About Women. It’s About Identity
A lot of the conversation around the manosphere focuses on what these men believe about women.
But that’s not where the story starts.
It starts with a much more destabilizing question:
What does it mean to be a man today?
The challenges and the impacts of the patriarchal system on women has always been very visible. Literally. And equity discussions have traditionally centred around women. But in the process, we forgot that the patriarchy also has negative impacts on men’s wellbeing. Part of the issue is that we can’t see the state of men’s struggles because they’re not visible to the naked eye.
For previous generations, that answer was relatively clear. Not necessarily healthy, but clear - and we know how much the brain loves clarity:
Provide. Work. Support a family. Be in control.
Today, those roles have shifted. Women are more independent. Social expectations have changed. Traditional masculinity is being questioned.
Again, rightfully so. But here’s the problem: the old script was removed, and nothing equally coherent replaced it. So now you have a growing number of men sitting in identity ambiguity - without a clear sense of who they are or how they “measure up.” And psychologically, ambiguity is not neutral, it's incredibly destabilizing.
When Identity Becomes Unstable, Shame Fills the Gap
Many of the men drawn to these spaces are not starting from a place of confidence.
They’re often navigating:
repeated rejection
social isolation
lack of direction
a sense of falling behind
Over time, those experiences don’t just stay external - they become internalized.
“Something is wrong with me.”
“I’m not enough.”
“I’m failing.”
More often than not, maladaptive schemas that are already present get reinforced. Existing shame consequently gets reinforced.
The Emotional Cost of Disconnection
There’s a tendency to frame this as a moral issue. As if the primary problem is what these men believe. But underneath those beliefs is something far more uncomfortable to confront:
chronic emotional disconnection. Not just from others, but from themselves.
Many of these men were never taught how to identify, process, or regulate their internal experiences. Emotional awareness wasn’t modeled. Vulnerability wasn’t reinforced. And over time, that absence doesn’t just stay neutral. It creates a deficit.
So when distress shows up, it doesn’t get processed. It gets redirected into frustration, control, into ideology. And when you combine that with environments that reward certainty over curiosity, dominance over connection, and performance over authenticity, you don’t just get disengagement, you get distortion.
The more disconnected someone becomes from their internal world, the more they rely on external frameworks to make sense of it. And the manosphere provides exactly that: a structured narrative that organizes confusion into something that feels coherent.
Even if it’s inaccurate. Even if it’s harmful.
Because coherence feels safer than chaos.
And this is where the conversation often falls apart. We expect people to engage in self-reflection without first acknowledging that, for some, self-reflection feels like psychological exposure without protection. Not because they’re unwilling, but because they don’t have the internal or relational safety required to do it.
Why Blaming Women Feels Easier Than Looking Inward
When shame becomes too intense, the mind looks for a way to regulate it.
One of the most effective ways to do that Externalization.
Instead of:
“I’m struggling”
It becomes:
“Women only want a certain type of man”
“The system is broken”
“I’ve been lied to”
This shift does three important things:
It protects identity
It restores a sense of control
It reduces emotional exposure
And most importantly… it replaces shame with something far easier to tolerate: Anger. Anger is one of the few emotions that boys have been raised to express. Anger has been seen as an “acceptable” emotion for men to have.
The Manosphere Offers Something Therapy Often Doesn’t: Certainty
Therapy asks for:
vulnerability
self-reflection
accountability
patience
The manosphere offers:
clear rules
defined roles
a hierarchy
a sense of direction
If someone already feels lost, rejected, and ashamed… which one do you think feels safer? This isn’t about intelligence. It’s about regulation.
Avoidance as the Strategy
From the outside, a lot of these men appear avoidant:
they deflect responsibility
they reject emotional vulnerability
they blame others
But this isn’t necessarily a fixed attachment style. It’s a defensive strategy.
More specifically: avoidance in response to shame. Because for many of these men, looking inward doesn’t just feel uncomfortable. It feels confirming.
As if it will validate their worst fear:
“I really am not enough.”
Why This Is More Visible Now Than Ever Before
These dynamics aren’t entirely new. What is new is the environment. Today’s men are navigating:
dating apps that concentrate attention on a small percentage of users
constant social comparison
fewer in-person communities
increased isolation
economic instability
So instead of struggling quietly…many are experiencing failure and rejection in highly visible ways. That amplifies everything:
shame
frustration
urgency to find an explanation
And the internet is more than happy to provide one.
Understanding the Root Without Excusing the Outcome
Let’s come back to the core tension: you can understand where something comes from
without agreeing with what it becomes.
The beliefs promoted in these spaces:
dehumanize women
reinforce rigid gender roles
normalize control over connection
That is not something to validate. But ignoring the psychological roots doesn’t make the problem go away. It just makes it harder to address.
The Real Issue: Relational Unsafety
At its core, this isn’t just about ideology. It’s about what happens when someone experiences:
repeated relational rejection
unstable identity
lack of belonging
limited emotional support
That creates a sense of: relational unsafety
And when connection feels unsafe, people don’t move toward vulnerability. They move toward control.
Final Thought
Men aren’t turning to the manosphere because they’re inherently hateful. But some of them do become hateful within it.
And if we reduce this entire issue to “they’re just the problem,” we miss the larger system that’s producing the same outcome over and over again.
Understanding that system doesn’t excuse it. It gives us a way to actually respond to it.
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