EPISODE 6: Attachment Isn’t Who You Are. It’s How You Protect Yourself

Written by Stephanie Underwood RSW

Listen to this episode of the Relational Safety Podcast on Spotify

Spotify

Welcome back to Episode 6 of The Relational Safety Podcast.

In the last episode, we started exploring why relational patterns repeat. We talked about how Early Maladaptive Schemas shape the way we interpret relationships, how the brain prioritizes familiarity over change, and why the same dynamics tend to show up over and over again.

Today, we’re going to expand on this topic, and I’m also going to clarify a few things that often get misunderstood. We’re going to get into attachment styles and how they go hand in hand with schemas and self-regulation.

The first thing that I need to clarify is self-regulation. Social media is incredibly misleading when it comes to this term.

Self-regulation is the ability to manage our emotions. I want to provide a specific example to illustrate what that actually looks like.

Let’s say I’m driving home in traffic and it’s 5 pm. A car comes out of nowhere and cuts me off. I get angry. Maybe I swear. Maybe I scream. That’s fine.

But by the time I get home, I’m pretty much over it. Maybe I think about it once or twice during the evening, but I’m not angry like I was when it first happened.

Now let’s take the same scenario, but this time, when the car cuts me off, I still swear, I still scream… but I stay angry the entire drive home. I get out of the car still worked up. I spend the entire evening feeling this rage. I can’t let it go.

That’s dysregulation.

So what’s the main difference between the first and second scenario?

In the first example, I got upset. That’s normal. I’m human. I had a long day, and then I got cut off in traffic.

But I was able to return to my baseline. I calmed down. The emotion moved through me.

In the second example, I couldn’t return to baseline. I stayed activated. I stayed in that emotional state long after the situation ended.

That’s dysregulation.

Now let’s get into attachment.

Attachment and safety go hand in hand. I’ve mentioned in previous episodes that the brain is primarily focused on safety and survival, and I want you to keep that in mind as we dive into this.

A human being needs another human being to survive. A baby cannot survive without attachment to a caregiver.

This is why we are meant to both co-regulate and self-regulate. We need both.

Babies are born unable to self-regulate. They learn it through co-regulation with a caregiver.

If a parent can manage their own emotional stress and regulate themselves, the child learns to regulate their own system.

It’s like teaching a child how to ride a bicycle. If the parent doesn’t know how to ride a bicycle, they can’t teach the child how to ride one.

Based on how a parent co-regulates with the infant, the child learns whether other humans are safe.

If the parent is consistent and regulating, the child learns:

“The world is a safe place.”

If the parent struggles to co-regulate, the child learns:

“Maybe relying on other people isn’t safe.”

And this is where attachment styles begin.

Now let’s break this down further.

Attachment styles are nervous-system-based strategies designed to manage relational threat.

If the infant learns they can’t consistently rely on someone to meet their needs, the system adapts. It develops a strategy to manage that uncertainty.

Because your brain is focused on survival, your nervous system is constantly scanning for cues of safety or danger in relationships.

We already know that the nervous system scans for physical threats, like danger in the environment.

But why would it scan for relational threats?

Because in early development, relational safety is survival.

A lack of safe connection is processed by the brain as a potential threat to survival. Being alone, especially early in life, reduces the chances of survival.

So the brain treats relational danger as seriously as physical danger.

That’s why trust is such a fundamental part of safety.

So based on early experiences, the nervous system develops attachment strategies to protect us from real or perceived relational harm.

Now here’s where this connects directly to the last episode.

Early Maladaptive Schemas are the relational wound.

Attachment is the protection.

So if someone develops an abandonment schema, for example, their system carries the belief:

“People leave.”

That’s the wound.

Now the system needs a strategy to deal with that.

For some people, the strategy is to move toward connection.

This is anxious attachment.

At its core, the system learns:

“I am not safe unless I am connected to someone.”

There’s a belief that they cannot survive alone.

I use this example with clients:

Imagine an apocalypse.

The avoidant person says:

“I’m not relying on anyone. People will get me killed. I’m going to survive this on my own.”

Avoidant systems tend to scan for external threats. They look outward for danger.

This can sometimes come across as critical or negative.

You show them a painting, and they might say,

“Yeah, but the sky should’ve been blue.”

They’re scanning the environment for what’s wrong, because that’s how they stay safe.

Now the anxious system in that same apocalypse says:

“I need to find someone. I cannot survive this alone.”

And the reality is, they’ll attach to almost anyone to avoid being alone. The issue is that they don’t scan for external threats. Because for them, the threat isn’t “people are dangerous.”

The threat is:

“I can’t survive on my own.”

So while the avoidant scans for external threats, the anxious system scans for internal ones.

They doubt themselves.

They question themselves.

They seek reassurance.

They’re asking:

“How can I be better?”

“What am I doing wrong?”

Because their safety depends on maintaining connection.

For the anxious system, the underlying belief becomes:

“If I stay close, if I seek reassurance, if I monitor the relationship closely… I might be able to prevent abandonment.”

So the behavior isn’t random.

It’s protective.

It’s an attempt to maintain connection in the face of perceived relational threat.

Now for others, the strategy looks very different.

Instead of moving toward connection, the system moves away from it.

This is avoidant attachment.

The system learns:

“Closeness feels overwhelming, unpredictable, or unsafe. So the best way to stay regulated is to create distance.”

So instead of seeking reassurance, the person withdraws.

They downplay their needs.

They rely on themselves.

Not because they don’t care.

But because distance reduces relational threat.

And then we have disorganized attachment.

This is where the system is trying to do both at the same time.

Move toward… and move away.

Because the source of safety is also the source of threat.

So the strategy becomes inconsistent, and often confusing, even to the person themselves.

But here’s the important part.

All of these strategies make sense.

They are not dysfunctions.

They are adaptations.

They are the nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do… which is to keep you safe and alive.

In the next episode, we’ll go into more detail about schemas and how attachment strategies work together.

I’ll see you in Episode 7.